Half Past Dead was unable to resuscitate Seagal's career, instead leaving him for dead. As of this review, this is my first endeavour into Seagal's career. Most would probably start with 'Under Siege', not me. But when people eloquently describe this as "the film that destroyed his career", my soul is automatically invested (it's just who I am...). So, was his last theatrical film deserved of that negative comment? Yes. Absolutely, irrefutably and unquestionably yes. New Alcatraz is stormed by terrorists to which the prisoners, including an undercover FBI agent, must take back the island.
Essentially 'The Rock' meets every other generic action flick from the 90s. Let me start off by saying this is ineptly atrocious. Not the worst ever, but bad. If it isn't Seagal's overtly orange face as he struggles to even show one frickin' emotion, then it's the below amateur editing that presents the action in the most unexciting way. Speaking of Steven "Seagulls Act Better" Seagal, the extent of his dialogue was trying to say the words "aight", "ite" and "bruvva" in his hyperbolic white caricaturing a black man charade. Bowling his shoulders around as if he owns the frickin' island. Ja Rule attempts to be a gangster. I laughed consistently. Chestnut was, now I hope y'all sitting down, actually decent as the villain? I mean, his character had simple motives but his acting was appreciatively antagonistic? Maybe I'm going soft.
Oh no wait, as I then reminisce on how nobody in this god forsaken "action" film can actually shoot. Seriously! The enemy is right in front of these characters, and yet even with a sub-machine gun misses them entirely. What. The. Frick! The story, much like Seagal's "talent", was tired and hella boring. The excessive choppy slow motion was unnecessary and actually detracted from any style the film initially garnered. Every conversation has the camera zoomed in on faces, further blinding me with Seagal's fluorescent skin. Oh, and they actually managed to put the words "half past dead" in the script. Urgh. The only thing needing executing, is this piece of rubbish.