Tarot (2024)

User Review

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  d_riptide

  2 / 10

  Going into “Tarot”, I knew all 78 cards from this accursed deck would be stacked against me from the first frame onwards as horror has had a rather pathetically short leg to stand on this year. And yet somehow, SOME-FUCKING-HOW, we get a contender I’d consider equivalently as bad than both Night Swim and Imaginary combined.
  
  
  
  Based on what we know about tarot cards’ ability to predict what will happen to people in the future, it opens an opportunity to explore the rich and dark tapestry of tarot mythology opened this movie up to one of infinite possibilities. So much limitless potential could’ve been tapped into about modern forms of superstition while taking a retro approach to its astrology-based subject matter but all they do is use that as a veiny thin backdrop for a formulaic narrative path. Yes, we do often have to take some liberties and inspirations with movie formulas to bounce better ideas off of them as well-trodden as they are but there’s a difference between sticking to the familiar aficionados of the genre….and deliberate white noise because of training wheels-drunken plotting.
  
  Here, it is beat for beat exactly what one would expect: poorly executed jumpscares, ear-grating loud noises, empty ciphers for characters, bone-headed decision making, the whole kit’n’kaboodle. It babies you SO MUCH with its basic first-draft remedial approach, it honestly irritated me. I already saw two horror movies embarrass themselves with this exact same formula months ago; why are we still doing this? And if it feels like I sound pissed in the middle of jotting this down, that’s because I am thoroughly sick to death of uninspired, unimaginative, derivative horror movies like this that just expect you to piss your wallet down the drain for the most insipid and insulting of thrills just because it feels entitled to all of your time. The only way to keep us remotely entertained was to go for the most outlandish, coco for Coco Puffs carnage candy display of an R-rating and you couldn’t even be bothered to give us THAT.
  
  
  You think for a film like this based on Horrorscope, a 1992 book of short stories that’s also supernatural and is basically structured like a Final Destination movie (no, seriously), they’d bother to take a little inspiration from the source material, right? Well, the only thing really connecting the book and film together is that the way characters are left dying are connected to their zodiac signs and to be fair, murder by Zodiac isn't exactly the most original of ideas. But at least the book pulled off its kills and presentation with some panache and made better use out of its intended themes on astrology and tarot readings. Not only does the mythology on tarot in this trainwreck splinter as soon as we finish the backstory, they build up to and then completely bail on both its attempts at wider messaging and a much better climax than we what actually get because bloody hell, does the film know how little you care about what’s happening.
  
  Cyberpunk 2077 uses the damn tarot cards LIGHTYEARS better than this and the game isn’t even built around them.
  
  
  Spenser Cohen and Anna Halberg’s infused direction is a spiritless affair, one where the confusion to play it straight or go for broke on the vain ridiculousness of its thin premise . I feel like one of them did want to make a Final Destination-esque inspired parody but the other one either didn’t want that or SONY just told them to tone things down for the sake of more marketability but I don’t know.
  
  
  
  Just from how it’s presented, the film immediately feels off; it’s structured to where the action has to escalate quickly but the circumstances surrounding the worldbuilding can’t support that, mostly because the scope and scale of events keep clashing and the production design utilized here feels too sparse for what little characters they do have. I suppose the cinematography and editing are passable enough but that’s just confirmation I need to stop giving passes for the film just because it looks fine. That doesn’t change how most of the lighting being subdued to such low-contrast darkness quickly makes Night Swim and Imaginary look WAY LESS UGLY than they already were. Makeup and special effects had flourishes here and there that reminded me the people who worked on this weren’t completely cheap with their budget, but it still looks straight out of the costume department from Dollar Store. The blasphemous PG-13 rating made all the deaths laughable and said kills weren’t even all that inventive.
  
  Joseph Bishara’s penchant for disregarding horror film score conventions gave me some hope for his music score, at least; but his gut-wrenching string dissonance and sudden crescendoes were just as annoying as the cliches.
  
  
  Only two saving graces here: the pacing is congealed enough to where the hour and a half runtime actually feels like an hour and a half. It just pops in one ear and out the other without wearing on your attention span and the acting isn’t all that bad…..once shit starts to hit the fan. Harriet Slater, Avantika and Jacob Batalon are the only dependable standouts amongst everyone else.
  
  
  
  The cards foretold this and I refused to listen so really, it’s my fault for giving in and warning you to do literally anything else with your life and turn away from this deck of cards. Put them away, burn them ablaze, literally do or watch anything other than this.

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