Delivery Man (2013)

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  TheMovieDiorama

  4 / 10

  Delivery Man is all jizz and not enough spunk. A situational comedy-drama that Hollywood grabbed their hands on in order to appeal to the masses. Yet here is Vaughn appearing in a shot-for-shot remake, this time of the French-Canadian comedy 'Starbuck' which was also directed by Scott, and once again he has not learnt the ramifications from his last outing ('Psycho'...makes me feel ill). Less energy and substance than sperm swimming around in a Petri dish. A meat delivery man encounters a lawyer who informs him that his 693 donations to a sperm bank were actually given to women, making him the father to 533 children.
  
  That's far too many Vaughns in one film! So, Delivery Man is not a bad film. Trust me, I've seen writers ejaculate all over scripts worse than this. There are several heartwarming scenes and Vaughn is your typical likeable "average Joe". The sticky viscosity of Scott's execution, despite being a remake of his own film, is where the issues crop up. It's horrifically executed, watered down to attract mainstream audiences. The comedy is non-existent (I didn't crack one smile). The characters were one-dimensional and rarely sentimental. And the plot itself was predictably dull. It all harks back to the narrative's composition.
  
  Our delivery man (whom I'm surprised didn't rip his ding-a-ling off from excessive masturbation when donating) performs random acts of kindness for his children. One moment he could be amusingly managing a coffee shop by himself. The next, awkwardly interacting with his physically disabled child. Then standing in the rain for his tour guide son. Oh, and then saving his drug addicted daughter. You see where I'm going with this. It's tonally jarring. Scott wants you to laugh. Scott then desires you to feel sympathy. Scott finally wishes you to experience tenderness. Rapidly switching between these emotions within minutes just didn't work. That's without discussing the lack of chemistry between Vaughn and Smulders, and the entire lawsuit scenario being underdeveloped. Occasionally heartwarming, but with the life expectancy of a sperm cell.

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