The Watch (2012)

User Review

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  TheMovieDiorama

  3 / 10

  The Watch crudely imitates a variety of extraterrestrial features with uninspired results. Watch out! It’s the neighbourhood watch, and they’re here to investigate alien activity whilst constantly talking about phallic objects. Keep your doors locked and ears plugged so you don’t have to endure such “hilarious comedy”. Urgh. Really? This is the best they could come up with? ‘Attack The Block’ and ‘The Thing’ combined with the formulaic tendencies of a typical Vaughn or Hill comedy? Or, just maybe, a gigantic advertisement for CostCo Wholesale? Yeah. Me thinks the latter. After various civilians are being discovered mauled to death, a group of neighbours take it upon themselves to prowl the streets at night to confront and eradicate the extraterrestrials responsible.
  
  The plot isn’t the problem here. I mean it needs massive refining and tinkering, but it does the job in providing an absurd scenario for comedy to ensue. The problem is said “comedy”. It’s criminally lewd, to the point that it’s consistently exhausting and soul destroying. Never mind the aliens wiping out Glenview’s population. It’s these moronic fools. Enough crude humour to, not only decommission their neighbourhood watch, but to send America back to the dark ages. Did I really need five minutes of Vaughn, who is actually the most tolerable actor here (a surprise in itself!), detailing how his “mushroom” is touching the edge of a beer can as he is excreting waste liquid? Or perhaps Ayoade desiring his British nuts to be cherished by an Asian female’s mouth? No wait! The entire group discussing the properties of semen. There we go!
  
  Ayoade just doesn’t work here. His legendary comedic talents clash with the other three actors almost immediately. Stiller is functional but dull, and Hill is deemed pointless (which, for me, is a positive...). The parental protection and manly infertility sub-plots only proved as distractions from the main shenanigans, never truly furthering the characters.
  
  But hey, atleast the alien prosthetics were decent. That is until The Watch decides to go full CGI and make the entire ordeal look cheaper than a pack of premium condoms. I mean their weakness, and honestly prepare yourself for this one, can be found between their legs...if you catch my drift. You couldn’t make this up even if you tried! It sums up the film in its entirety. Enduring all of the unfunny crude profanity, just so we get to witness Vaughn grip some alien wang and detach it from their bodies. “Got their brain where their dick is!”. Basement orgies. Fingering an orb. Twin fantasies!? I’m done.
  
  The Watch is yet another reason why modern male-orientated comedy is at the peak of existence right now. No seriously. This is an exemplary piece of laugh-inducing nonsense, illustrating the primitive behaviour of middle-aged men. Take that as you will. I don’t care anymore. I’m taking my “Neighbourhood Watch” sticker down from my door window.

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