Darren Shan is a regular teenage kid. He and his friend Steve find out about a Freak Show coming to town and work hard at trying to find tickets. They do, and together they go to "Cirque du Freak"...
The Vampire’s Assistant drains the blood of its source material dry. Well, here’s a minor surprise for you avid readers. I’ve actually read the entire Darren Shan saga. Yes, for someone who is mildly illiterate and equipped with a short attention span, I managed to tackle a dozen books of gothic teenage horror shenanigans. Was I partly forced into this task? Sure, the first few books were part of a school assignment. Strangely though, I was hooked. An oddity so rare for me when it comes to literature, that I remember asking my mother to drive me to my local book retailer and purchase the next chapter. So imagine my abrupt astonishment when I found out a film was created. Now, let your imagination run wild when I tell you that this feature pushed me into wanting to snap my own neck whilst a myriad of “freaks” dance around my cold dead corpse throwing bloody rose petals onto my pale lifeless flesh.
Spider obsessed Darren attends a showing of the Cirque du Freak with his vampire obsessed best friend, who is manipulated into becoming a half-vampire to save said friend, only to become embroiled in an ageless war for dominance.
I’m not sure why I do this to myself, but these dire book adaptations that have the self-belief to start a successful franchise have the ability to put me in a temporary coma. Despite certain plot details actually coming to fruition decently, the misjudged tonality instantly plunged a stake in this film. The source material is gothic, with a borderline horror vibe throughout the series. Dark fantasy at its most accessible. For some reason, unbeknown to me, Weitz opted for a more family-friendly approach. Prioritising cheesy comedy over vampiric horror. No. Just no. It doesn’t work at all for what the story is about. The saga, the original ‘Vampire Blood’ trilogy at the very least, revolves around insecurity. Darren and the freak show coming to terms with society’s lack of acceptance for them, forcing a darker depiction into adolescence.
Unfortunately this adaptation seemingly feels like a Disney Channel flick with its light aesthetic. Tarnishing the purpose of Shan’s saga. Not to mention Massoglia’s bland as hell performance, Hayek’s overused foreshadowing and Dafoe’s immediate absence. Reilly dives deeper into the character of Larten, but the overstuffed script tries too hard in setting up a sequel that it prevents him from doing so. The vampire and Vampeneze war certainly had foundations within this adaptation, but to transform an entire trilogy into one film that’s less than two hours long? Well, the depth is never going to be present. Heck, the scene where young Steve contemplates suicide is brushed over almost instantly, with Weitz attempting to illustrate Darren and Monkey Girl’s non-existent romance instead.
The characterisation was insignificantly developed. The lighting was darker than the midnight sky at a cemetery, to the point that actors were no longer visible. The action and special effects were choppy. And the soundtrack of pop songs felt like I was watching ‘American Pie’. “Chelsea Dagger”, really? Should’ve named this “Vampire Pie”.
For the uninitiated, this may prove to be a moderately entertaining flick, especially those who can endure a lightly developed watch. However, for fans of the books, this adaptation is sorely misdirected in every sense. Atleast Darren can listen to The Fratellis in his coffin now that he has built-in speakers. “Pimp My Coffin”...
