**900TH FILMFED REVIEW** The Human Centipede is a pointless affair that should swallow its own excrement. "The most shocking film to ever exist". "Entirely deplorable and revolting, sort of brilliant". "Cronenbergian care and precision". Did we watch the same film? No seriously, did we? I wanted a fun exaggerative body horror that doesn't hold back in conjoining the human anatomy. What I got was a tame, badly acted and boring "film" to which its only existence is to be controversial. Except it wasn't. It was just terrible. Two tourists are stranded and ask for help from a crazed surgeon who wants to create a "Human Centipede". So, firstly, someone tell Tom Six that a centipede has typically around thirty legs (at the bare minimum). It's more of a "Human Isopod". Secondly, and most importantly, this film is pointless. Absolutely inherently stupid. Six states that the narrative was a reflection of fascism, and that it is a commentary on the horrific actions of Nazis. What a load of centipede excrement! You can't transform rubbish into pretentious nonsense. There's no substance to the German shenanigans. Six is as subtle as throwing a flaming brick through a window and shouting "I DID IT!". The two American tourists were on a different level of stupid. Sure, you break down and wander the German woods at night, only to come across the most sinister surgeon in the lands. But you drink his water!? You don't physically call the car rental service yourselves!? You escape and go back for your friend!? Stranger danger girls, come on! The good thing is that their mouths are silenced once they are surgically attached to the other person's other hole. No, not their nostrils. They physically could not act, groaning and moaning their way through this pointless ordeal. Laser's menacing performance is the only redeemable quality. There is probably one scene, which involves defecation, that may be squeamish for some. But you don't connect (pardon the pun) with the characters. So all the defecating and swallowing means nothing, making for a tame and dull experience. Quite simply atrocious.