House of Wax (2005)
2005
R
113 Minutes
A group of unwitting teens are stranded near a strange wax museum and soon must fight to survive and keep from becoming the next exhibit.
User Review
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House of Wax melts faster than holding a candle to Paris Hilton’s face. “Oh look, it’s a wax museum!”. Yet another remake of a remake that practically lost its mould as soon as the stupid teenagers opened their mouths. Consuming the mysterious source of ‘Mystery of the Wax Museum’ and transforming it into a generic slasher that would rather focus on marketing ‘The Killers’ and ‘My Chemical Romance’ instead of developing a logical plot with an ounce of intelligence. Or, just maybe, it’s a feature length advertisement for Hilton to find her next best friend? De-formed antagonist Vincent would make a worthy candidate, I’m sure. Hilton and her clan of overtly handsome friends travel to Baton Rouge (I think...) for the “game of the season”. Unfortunately for them, they camp overnight near a semi-abandoned town that hosts a wax museum, unable to start their car again.
Madame Tussaud’s this is not. A Hilton hotel perhaps? The plot, as outlandishly non-sensical as it was, would’ve worked if the atrocious screenplay lightened up the tone. Even the slightest of flickers could’ve elevated the campy fun to be had. Alas, these characters were in the midst of a murderous psychopath who fully equipped his artistic integrity and annihilated these teenagers. Although, wasn’t too difficult, let’s be honest. The protagonists, who merely emanated the behaviour of socialites, were thicker than a candle made out of earwax. Not a brain cell between them. Never mind the blatant trespassing when entering the closed house of wax or the absence of common sense in any heightened situation. There was one particular moment that shined brightly. The main brother and sister (completely forgot their character names) discover that the remaining townspeople are dead and cocooned in wax. Yet they still thought an elderly woman was residing in a house, pulling the curtain back and forth continuously. Come on!
The sheer stupidity that these characters breathed out was simply a means to create exaggerated jump scares and elaborate on the town’s sinister heart. They say everything that’s on their mind and state every action they are going to perform. Hardly thrilling. Which is a dire shame when considering the surplus amount of gore displayed. Coating these teens in hot wax? Sure. I’m down for that. Snipping fingers and tendons like a blade of grass? Hooray! Javelining a metal pole through Hilton’s fake face? Perfect. Damn, she was terrible. Even her stripping sequence was enough to turn heterosexuals into raging gays. “House of Botox” would’ve been more appropriate.
The final twenty minutes was an inferno of wax and surprisingly exhumed a thrill or two. But House of Wax smelt more like an infected ear rather than a fragrant Yankee candle. And that pointless attempt for a sequel was laughable!0 member like this review.
