Ouija (2014)

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  TheMovieDiorama

  3 / 10

  Ouija was more disposable than a freshly moistened squeegee. Look, I don't mind the odd forgettable mass produced Hollywood horror. Some of them uphold a unique charm that makes them perfect for a friendly film night with deliciously cheesy pizza. However when the scares are based around a wooden board game with characters undertaking the most stupid actions ever, well, you start to wonder why this was ever a good idea. After the apparent suicide of one of their friends, a group of students attempt to communicate with her through a spirit board, unknowingly awakening another presence instead. One point for Shaye just being in the film (God damn love her), one point for Cooke attempting to save this disaster with some genuine decent acting and the last point for the spirit demon girl crawling through the ventilation tunnel faster than Sonic the Hedgehog (na-uh, no thank you). That's it. The problem lies with its ludicrous, unfocused, monotonous, dull, derivative, unmemorable and predictable plot. You could say the film has 99 problems, but Shaye ain't one. A haunted board game just isn't scary. Setting up the rules and explaining how the game works just adds to its absurdity and wastes precious time that could be better utilised in actually developing a coherent plot. The friends can't act. The ouija board has more personality than them. Damn. Their purpose is just to be expendable as the demon spirit stitches their mouths together. Oh, but don't worry. You never actually see it. God forbid! Just them staring at the camera with bad visual effects on their faces. An alternative rebellious sister for no apparent reason other than to say the inconsequential line "Yo! Can you hear me? Signal's real bad, only got like one bar". M'kay I'm leaving now. The "plot" is constantly explained as if we're dumb, in particularly the scenes with Shaye and her "tenacious niece". And to top it all off, she STILL uses the board game at the end of the film!? Are you mad bro? Stupid characters, stupid board game, stupid film. Be right back I'm just going to find the strongest fairy lights to hang myself with.

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