Conan the Barbarian (2011)

User Review

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  TheMovieDiorama

  3 / 10

  Conan the Barbarian is about as menacing as Momoa's freshly shaven baby face. The sword and sorcery sub-genre had a huge resurgence in the early 2010s, with remakes including 'Clash of the Titans' gracing our screens. However this flick acts as new interpretation of the Schwarzenegger original, so yes that does mean no "Crush your enemies! See them driven before you!". Nothing memorable here, just a bland quest that will simply be forgotten shortly after watching it. Conan vows to get revenge on the warlord who killed his father, who is trying to retrieve several pieces of a sorcerer's mask in order to subjugate the world. There's sand, swords, the beefcake that is Momoa and a tiny little bit of sorcery. Aside from a few inventive set pieces, mainly the giant octopus battle and final showdown, it's just a flat adventure. Conan and the rest of the supporting characters were dull, one-dimensional and lacked any motivation. Momoa certainly has the physical presence of a barbarian, but rarely does anything else except roar at his enemies. Lang was underused, McGowan was not weird enough (never thought I'd say that) and Perlman was mediocre at best. The majority of the near one hundred million dollar budget went on sub-par visual effects with noticeable green screen, gimmicky 3D effects and Freeman's salary for narrating the story. Its by-the-numbers plot made for no excitement, Nispel's direction was absent of any emotional focus and the editing regularly succumbed to half second jump cuts. It was just a mess. Films like this need to invite you into a world filled with dark magic where you feel the blistering heat during a mighty sword battle. Not put you to sleep! I'm just going to keep this review short and sweet, because I have nothing else to mention in this empty action "epic". Stick to the original, as this remake contains zero charm and zero intensity.

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