Precious Cargo (2016)

Precious Cargo (2016)

2016 | R | 90 Minutes

Action | Drama | Thriller | Crime

After a botched heist, Eddie a murderous crime boss, hunts down the seductive thief Karen who failed him. In order to win back Eddie’s trust, Karen recruits her ex-lover and premier thief Jack t...

Overall Rating

2 / 10
Verdict: Awful

User Review

  • Precious Cargo steals diamonds, black boxes and your valuable time. Precious Cargo? The only thing precious about this cargo is the scene where Willis, with all his antagonistic mannerisms (hint: the same as all his other performances), discusses the rules of chess as if he's a conniving version of Bobby Fischer. "The pawn can only move forward, and attack diagonally". Oh my lord! Never played chess? Watch this film. You'll be a professional by the end! Wanted to watch an action film? Move along. This diamond robbery felt less exciting than extracting the sedimentary beast that is coal from the Earth's surface.

    I don't need to explain the plot. I summed it up just now. A gang of thieves, recruited by the kindest crime boss ever, attempt to steal some diamonds. This is why I despise watching "straight-to-DVD" disposable trash. False advertising. Y'see Willis there on the poster? No no, not the other guy who is apparently the lead actor and presented smaller in the marketing material. You got him? Great. Well, Willis is in it for a total of five minutes. Frickin' five minutes. I wanted/hoped for some wild Willis warfare. What I received was some garish Gosselaar garbage, strung together by the most frequent quick cuts to ensure that you are unable to see any of the "absolutely exciting" action.

    After the eternally elongated introductory credits, honestly resembled a marathon, the first big action set piece is a boat chase down a river. Possibly 1,693 bullets were blindly discharged within this five minute sequence. I've never known so much blind fire in all my life! A "pregnant" woman is firing mid-conversation without looking! If she had actually used her frickin' eyes, the scene would've been over before they managed to get onto the boat! God damn. No one can shoot for toffee, making every action scene tediously stupid.

    Every character is mean spirited, calling each other "dick breath", "manipulative bitch" and every other expletive under the sun. Relax! Y'all supposed to be working together. Kelly, who plays Logan, only has one tone. Tone deaf. Just her speech alone forced me to combat general fatigue. Gosselaar was fine, if occasionally irritating. Forlani was the highlight, without a doubt.

    There's perhaps one, just one, scene with these actors together where some acting is present (and a door is unexpectedly slapped). The rest? I'd rather shoot myself. Willis didn't care. The plot is more generic than a manufactured pop song. The editing is borderline mentally deranged. I mean, one minute two characters are making sweet sweet love in the middle of the night. They're interrupted. They get out of bed and holy floppy wangs it's the middle of the day!? What illusory magic is this? I want some. No wait, I don't! Straight-to-DVD? Straight-to-the-rubbish-bin-mate.