Pulse signals the very worst of American horror remakes, and hacks its way into my soul. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the one and only film that I unfathomably loathe with all my heart. "It takes your will to live". Oh hunny. I've watched this eighty-four minute atrocity four times now, and every time the last two survivors drive off into the sunset, my will to live hits an all-time low. A remake of Kurosawa's 'Kairo', a group of students encounter humanoid spirits that were created from a virus, in which sucks the life force out of its victims and rapidly spreads across the world.
The original, and I really do hate comparing, had a level of emotional perplexity and realism (minus the apocalyptic third act) that made it a hundred times more frightening. The subtle thematic layers, from solidarity caused by technology overuse to suicidal tendencies as a result of loneliness, were noteworthy and took precedent over the usual scares. Jump forward to Sonzero's remake and holy God damn mother frickin' balls, everything has gone tits up. It's yet another stale juiced up "horror" film that believes highly stylised visual effects is more important than everything else. Acting, writing, direction, valid scares, a non-blue/green disgusting filter, character development, cat dying from malnutrition, technological jargon and any frickin' common sense, were all sidelined so that Gonzalez could become one with a wall. And by that, I mean melt into the paintwork of his grubby apartment.
As a consequence, every aspect including the visual effects themselves was hot rubbish. Hotter than Somerhalder's face. Speaking of, when did hackers become so hot yet so frickin' stupid? You don't just run an executable from a mysterious USB stick without running some diagnostics beforehand! You don't throw away your phone if it acts as a signal indicator! If you can't erase the hard drive, get a hammer and smash the God damn thing! Why is everyone holding a laptop or talking on Motorola Razors!? I can't. I can't be bothered to divulge into each aspect. You deserve better, and so do I.
Instead, I'm just going to say this. Pulse is the equivalent of watching "Harlem Shake" videos, on repeat, for seventy years. Annoying, monotonous and predictable to the nth degree. Wait. Hang on. Was that Octavia Spencer? Oh my God I can't. Someone pass me an Ethernet cable, I'm ending it.