My Bloody Valentine 3D mines for quality slashing with its rusty pickaxe. These gimmicky horror remakes from the late 00s were plaguing the horror genre. Low-budget yet profitable adaptations that remove any charm the original contained. For this remake of the 1981 original, that has somewhat garnered a cult following, tension, two-dimensional characters and an involving story have been tossed out of the mine shaft for obnoxious three dimensional technology. You'll be ducking and avoiding, not because of incoming projectiles, but due to how rubbish the film is. Residents of a small mining town are plagued by countless murders from a serial killer they believed was dead ten years ago.
Oh, and this takes place on Valentine's Day. No valid reason, just a coincidence. Praise has been generous from critics and audiences for the inventive use of 3D technology. Whilst the merging of new and old techniques can occasionally create some fun, it does not deter from the painfully unimaginative story that you've seen many times before. Interestingly the first five minutes murders about twenty characters, with one being shovelled to the jaw (ouch!), but this also acts as a detriment. Immediately you see blood splattering effects and pickaxes through eye sockets, consequently witnessing everything the film has to offer almost instantly. The remaining hour and a half is just the same routine. Talk, stalked, run, killed. Next!
The central investigative plot made for a unconvincing soap opera. "I loved you, but now I have someone else", "you don't want him, take me Sarah!", *pulls back curtain* "No, for Sarah has me now!", *gasp* "Axel!". 'Coronation Street' anyone? The characters themselves lacked any personality, weighed down by a screenplay that only exists to keep the plot moving. The glaring plot holes and ridiculously dumb third act were the final nails in this coffin. Sure you can compare the wooden acting and forgettable story to the original, but remaking something with no improvements is a futile endeavour. Lussier's attempt is just that. Throw this film into the mines and gas it out!