Date Movie incites excessive vulgarity to ironically become the worst date movie ever. It’s ‘06. You’re on Match.com, seeking out a potential date in an attempt to start a flourishing relationship. “You’ve been matched!”. She/he asks you to organise the first date. “A meal and the cinema?”, you offer. “Sure, what film?”, they reply. You look at the availability of films. Date Movie appears. “What could possibly go wrong?”. Five minutes in, after eating your luxurious McChicken sandwich meal at McDonalds (because you’re cheap), you vomit it back up after watching Hannigan in a fat suit shake water off her body like a beached whale. “This, was a bad idea!”. Suffice to say, you did not obtain that elusive second date, and thankfully this parody-fuelled nightmare did not receive a sequel.
Spoofs can be funny when intelligently incorporated into a story that do not rely on profanity and obtuse humour. The first ‘Scary Movie’ for example, took the genre it was parodying and intellectually flipped it to mock the traits it commonly utilises. Date Movie, well, isn’t that. It’s a game. A game of “how many films can you shout out before your opponent?”. There’s atleast thirty points up for grabs here. From romantic comedies (‘Bridget Jones Diary’, ‘Shallow Hal’ etc.) to random popular blockbusters (‘King Kong’, Kill Bill’ etc.). The ‘Meet The Parents’ and ‘My Big Fat Greek Wedding’ parodies act as the central narrative, with a plethora of random sketches embedded throughout. Problem is, they’re aren’t funny. At all.
A cat licking the tongue of a corpse from an urn? Popping a gargantuan spot in front of a mirror? Undergoing a miraculous makeover, ‘Pimp My Ride’ style, involving waxing the hairiest back possible and clipping odorous toe nails? Stop it! Cheap sketches in a bid to make younger audiences laugh, but if anything, forces them to turn away and belch. Some scenes didn’t even make any sense whatsoever! The ‘Step Up’ dance sequence with ‘Hitch’? I...I don’t get it.
Both applause and hisses must be given to the cast. Each of them, Hannigan in particular, hold no reservations and go full throttle. But why? Why subject yourselves to this monstrosity? Were your careers really that stale that you had to re-enact the ‘When Harry Met Sally’ orgasm scene? Jennifer Lopez is parodied in this, as is Michael Jackson. No idea why, they just are.
At this point in time, nothing makes sense. Hilarity is non-existent. Vulgarity is everything. And if you hadn’t atleast exclaimed “ewww!” before that basketball scene with the homemade waxing method, then you certainly are a more ferocious warrior than myself. Date Movie is a stain on Hollywood that, unsurprisingly, made room for more pointless endeavours...
