xXx: State of the Union (2005)

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  TheMovieDiorama

  2 / 10

  xXx The Next Level does just that, if the game was 'Duke Nukem Forever'. I now know what xXx actually stands for. An eXtremely eXcruciating Xzibit. Y'know, when the main star of the original and its director choose not to participate in the sequel (even if they were open to it), something is not right. Take a moment to think about what you are doing. Is it the script? Someone who is involved? No, instead we recast the protagonist with a different director and lose the entire essence of what made the first film fun. This is usually the part where I summarise the plot, but I can't even do that. I had absolutely no idea what was happening. A team of agents were captured or something? Wow, when the narrative and plot were so meanderingly confused, it's no wonder the film was instantly forgettable. The pacing was all over the place, with the final twenty minutes only just grabbing my attention. The extreme sports that had Diesel drive off a bridge and parachute to safety have been substituted for Xzibit pimping out cars. The only pimping he did was popping the pimple on my forehead as I sat bored out of my mind. That right there, is pimple popping. Pimping. Rammstein have been swapped out for Ice Cube and other generically dull hip-hop artists. "Get XXX'd" being the ultimate low point. Some of the action was coherent, basking in ridiculous explosions and gunfire, but not enough for me to say "d'you know what? Go and watch this!". The visual effects were "off da chain" as we witness a luxurious car rampantly drive on the rails of a train track in gloriously outdated polygons. It was as if I was playing 'Grand Theft Auto Vice City'. Cube apparently acted in this but I saw no such thing, he does not have the personality to pull off the secret agent persona he attempted to portray. Jackson was functional and Dafoe was the token antagonist. No character development, no entertainment and certainly no fun. This action sequel removed the "act" in "action", leaving just "ion". As in "I'm out, now". Urgh, I can't believe I miss Rammstein and Diesel...what's happening to me?

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