Mortdecai has all the finesse of a homeless person's moustache. Oh Johnny, why must you do this? Sometimes you can say no, in fact it's good to say no when you are given this absolute drivel. A dash of 'Austin Powers', a splash of 'Pink Panther' and a colossal uninspired sprinkle of 'The Tourist' (which we all know wasn't great anyway). So what has Mr Depp graced us with his presence this time? Rich stupid useless man is recruited by inspectors to obtain a painting that holds a secret. Mildly amusing, occasionally watchable but I just...don't...get it. Why? Did they really think they could pull off an 'Austin Powers' spoof with Johnny Depp pretending to be British harnessing a moustache and an all too similar Jack Sparrow impersonation? Painfully unfunny, I mean I didn't laugh once...or even smile. The acting was questionable, with some very unusual casting choices. Bettany as a "man slave", Paltrow as a busty wife, Munn's a nymphomaniac (plausible I guess) and McGregor is just himself again. A committed central performance from Depp who always will be one of the best character performers in modern Hollywood, with Mortdecai being another memorable character. Yet the script is so horrendously dull that it gives no life to these characters. It's as if the story was brushed with a moustache comb, ridiculously fine yet with no soul. I didn't care where the painting was, heck I just wanted to laugh at something! Literally anything! Annoyingly, the film is only 107 minutes long and yet somehow felt like a good (well, bad...) 130 minutes. The narrative simply comprised of set pieces where stupidity ensues and Mortdecai exclaims "beluddy hell, ma sympafetik gag refwex!". The film takes itself utterly seriously, it really does and it shouldn't have done at all. This simply should've been a spoof, nothing more. Unfunny, weirdly acted, stupidly slow and just overly strange. Will this be a cult classic in years to come? I hope not. But hey, it's not the worst film I've ever seen, and if anything I did take away the important message of: "everyone needs a Jock"...*cough*.