Piranha 3D stupidly bites and chomps its way to the third dimension. Remaking Dante's 1978 original was bound to happen at some point. Hollywood has run out of ideas for fishy B-movie horrors. So here we have a modernisation of the schlock-fest that is Piranha. I'm sure the question burning in your minds right now is: "how do you modernise Piranha?". Tits. No seriously, tits. Breasts bouncing and bobbling across the water. Boobs literally coming out of the screen. A twelve-year old's wet summer dream. But in order to get to the bountiful treasure that is apparently the female anatomy, one must survive the shallow waters that is the plot. An earthquake splits a lake floor and causes a school of ravaging piranhas to populate the lake during spring break. I'm sure you can guess what happens.
Right, so the film is bad. Lifeless characters, atrocious visual effects that one would find in a SyFy film, a waste of a perfectly adequate cast and enough plot conveniences to write a porno film. Speaking of, the sheer amount of tanned flesh in skimpy bikinis actually enabled a character to be a sleazy pornographer. If that isn't the most obvious way to get tits into a film, then I don't know what is. Oh, Dreyfuss is in this! Isn't that absolutely flipping hilarious because he was in 'Jaws'? Ahhh good times. The parodied script and, well the screenplay in general, never really worked.
However, before you feed me to the piranhas, hear me out. What made this a tolerable and surprisingly fun time was the ridiculous amount of gore and fun director Aja had with the film. On several occasions, I actually (prepare yourself) laughed. Just something about Eli Roth getting crushed by a boat had me smiling for a minute or two. Clearly my sadistic side getting tingles. Watching a large group of teenagers fearfully screaming and getting eaten alive considerably increased the film's fun factor. The 3D, despite it being a gimmicky flaw, made it that little bit special. Oh, it's still a bad film which has lost all the charm from Dante's original, but an enjoyably tolerable one at that. Tits and gore man, tits and gore.