So...Are we going to give up to the Netflix bias? You know that bias where even if a product like Insatiable,Bright or...well,Bird Box fails miserably at being a piece of media,everyone just straight loves it for no reason other than “you critics are just mean”? Because,after the 30 minute mark of explaining the concept,Bird Box did just what Jurassic World 2 did to my inner film fanatic soul. It p****d the hell outta me,this time more than JW...And this isn’t a franchise movie,not even a Universal movie at that.
This is made by Netflix,whose social media I hate with a burning passion,and rarely makes a great movie (think Okja or Roma),because they’re so busy making teen garbage (with exceptions like Stranger Things and the Marvel TV Shows) that,while they appeal to that demographic successfully,they’ll always miss two things that make a movie or TV Show good,not so good or bad. “Entertainment” and “an interesting PLOT”.
And Bird Box doesn’t have that. It’s a soulless cash-in on A Quiet Place that fails at being what they’re aiming for or,even worse,lacks anything worth of its “Genre”. This is listed as a Horror movie and man,oh man,does it not show anything worth of the Horror. Not even the kills are fantastic. This movie is so bad,It’ll instantly kill your brain cells because they were busy doing something else.
But let’s start at the beginning.
The acting is probably the biggest highlight of the movie. Surprises are here and there,since I only knew Sandra bullock was in it. Well,surprise surprise,John Malkovich,Rosa Salazar and Trevante Rhodes also appear in here and they’re all pretty good! Especially Malkovich and Bullock,who are trying to make us care about everything coming from a stupid script.
A script full of dumb choices,situations being finished in no time (even faster than The LEGO Movie,a great movie with a fast story),a presentation that fails with a snap of the fingers,and 2 moments where Venom now feels like a fantastic script (The quote “Wow. Such Venom…”,the car flipping at the 11 minute mark and the eyes being weird when they’re “infected” by this monster). Speaking of the monster...Uhh...Where’s the monster? Do I have to believe about this floating fart who infects people in killing themselves? Yeah,that’s actually dumb for a script that wants to be taken super seriously.
Oh,and there are kids in here,and they’re even worse than Claire from a bad but miles better movie than this (Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom). Worse in the sense that they don’t even act. They’re standing there like pieces of wood,or even rocks.
The technical aspect is also really bad. The cinematography feels like a great YouTube video and rarely does it feel like a cinematic presentation. The score feels like a great mix of nothingness,horrible synthy vibes and a track that a composer like Junkie XL would cry from disappointment. And to finish everything,the editing is Justice League level bad,where even the little things fail at connecting the dots (where in JL i was the gun thing,in Bird Box it’s a person in a bedroom looking at another person,then we cut to the same person,only her head is looking to the closed window).
GOOD GRAVY GOD,this movie made me angry.
Bird Box made me hate Netflix as a studio more than Universal just because of how the platform’s users act IN IT. I don’t care if you love Bright,it’s just an aggressive 4/10. I don’t care about Insatiable,it’s a dumb show with nothing special that makes the Catwoman movie look like The Dark Knight. Stop raving about Bird Box,you dumb TNTs. It’s a great Asylum rip-off (or cash-in) of A Quiet Place that has nothing special and is just there to please some guy who wants their brain to be rotten. But yeah,dislike this review,because your opinion will be better than mine for greater reasons than mine. I hope you have a future filled to the brim with classics such as Fifty Shades,Twilight,Bird Box etc. and “Have a nice life” (-Venom)